I can’t stand it anymore.

You don’t see it and that’s incredibly to me. You are so beautiful. You are so fucking beautiful that when we were in the shed, lighting up, so many times I had to tell myself “Don’t kiss her, don’t kiss her.” The moonlight was so gentle and you were so fucking beautiful and your lips just looked so incredibly soft and inviting and for a crazy second I swear to God you were teasing me! I swear to God, you would look downward, throw your gaze back up to me and maintain eye contact while you let the smoke drift from your gorgeous lips. It drove me absolutely wild. And I couldn’t help myself! Throughout the night I just had to stop myself over and over and over. I couldn’t stop admiring that sexy little figure of yours, you are perfection. I can’t believe you don’t see it. I’m in this constant state of arousal just being near you. I just want to cry that you don’t see how fucking beautiful you are because I worship your body. You are so sexy and attractive. I just want to travel every single curve of your body with my tongue, you are so fucking sexy to me. I feel so plain around you, I really do! Because I don’t necessarily love my body, I’m still working to put on weight. I gained a pound today and that made my fucking day. If I had your body, I would be the most confident woman on the planet! You have the most perfect, shapely thighs and the sexiest little tummy. I don’t have a problem staring at your ass every time I get the opportunity, I WANT you to catch me doing it. Catch me staring at your perfect body. Catch me in the act of sexualizing you. I do it every fucking day. All I want to do is sit in a bathtub and rub coffee scrub all over you and take my fucking time appreciating every single inch of your perfection. If it wouldn’t make you uncomfortable, I would probably just stare at your breasts all day. I know you don’t like them, and once again I can’t FATHOM WHY because they are so delicious and perfect. Lets do something fun with them. Lets go get them pierced. Put pretty jewelry on them. Maybe you’ll like them then. Until then I will sit here constantly brooding in the corner wanting to see your perfect body. 
I love being your best friend. 
But I also want to be that fucking animal I once was in the bedroom that one night watching you come over my fingers again, and again, and again. Teasing that pretty little pussy with my tongue. 

I swear to God. 
I need a light. 

How about you don’t be so Naive

Don’t kiss on the mouth and cough down your sleeve.

"I don’t understand,"

Well, let me explain:

"I hate people who judge before they honestly know. I disgusts me that people don’t give us a proper chance. We’re condemned by the time we’ve made it to the trial. I can’t stand these people and their shit ways."

But then, you turn around. And suddenly, 

*cough*

I know you weren’t in those photos, but you’re clearly a drug addict.

*cough*

"I haven’t properly spoken with her, but I know she’s a brainless, untrustworthy bitch."

*cough*

"Why don’t you think of your family before you ruin our image."

How about you own your decisions and opinions instead of hiding behind the guise of being a lovely person. How dare you judge me. 

I love you more than anyone in the world. You mean more to me than absolutely anyone. I would move mountains for you. I will take care of you when you are sick. I will forever mourn your death.

So how can you possibly do this to me?

I Just Remembered

There was a moment at your house when we were home alone, but I was avoiding you. I put away all the dishes in the dishwasher for something to do. A couple hours later, you ran downstairs and opened the dishwasher. "You put the dishes away? Oh, thanks." 

Not but a few minutes later, your dad came home from work, asking if you’d put the dishes away. Not wanting to lie, you said “It’s been done, yes.”
Your dad looked at me expectantly, and without skipping I beat I outright lied to your dad and said "He wouldn’t let me help." 

Satisfied, you dad went upstairs. And you and I looked and each other, holding back smiles. We burst into laughter right there in your foyer. That’s one of my favorite memories from that trip. You weren’t sad or angry. Just a moment of childish fun. We laughed and laughed….

I’ve Truly Come Into My Own

I’ve noticed something in the past few months and it becomes more and more noticeable every time I look into a mirror. I have truly come into my own. I own who I am. I looked in the mirror just now, wearing pajama pants and a grey cardi-robe, and nothing else. I watched my ordinary-as-the-air brown hair tumble over my shoulders and my lips peal back over not-as-white-as-they-should-be teeth, and I looked at myself and there is a goddessry about me. My eyes had this glint in them, just wild and free and entirely sexy. I don’t know how to explain what I saw in myself on a level that would communicate what it truly meant to me. 
I think every facet of my confidence has grown, not only in my self-worth, but in the men that gave me a second glance in 2013, in the two weeks that I traveled solo, abroad. In the moving out of the house, facing financial hardship, working my ass off, having no one I could truly confide in. I think I really developed. Inside of me, something is growing, like fire deep in the pit of my stomach, and it drives me. That fire makes me shine with confidence and love and yes, sex-appeal, but the kind of sex-appeal that attracts me to myself. 

I love myself more than I ever have, as I dance around my house wearing little more than a men’s tshirt with wineglass in hand, in pajamas sitting on the couch with a notebook on my lap, in grey cardi-robes looking into a bathroom mirror I don’t clean often enough. 

I have come into my own.

That’s Just What I Get

I dreamt of you
Last night.
I haven’t seen you in years.
But your face was so clear.
I reached out and touched you.
Pulled you into my arms.
And even though she was watching,
You didn’t protest.
You even pulled me close.
You even whispered things.
You wanted me back.
You whispered to me
Sacred things.
“Buttercup.”

I love many people.

I love intensely. 
I fall in love instantly and I care about your lives. 
Everyone’s lives. 
I hope your job gives you enough hours. 
I hope New York treats you well. 
I hope you find your way in life. 
I hope you get that promotion at work. 
I hope you ace your finals. 
I hope that girl starts paying attention to you. 
I hope your family stops yelling. 
I hope your mom’s knee surgery goes okay. 
I hope your work gives you a proper drivethru one day. 
And then also, 
I hope you don’t find me scary. 
I hope you don’t find my caring obtrusive.
I hope you appreciate that I worry about you. 
And if you do, 
Please know it doesn’t dim, no matter
How many people I come to worry for. 
If you don’t appreciate it, 
I apologize. 
I can’t stop. I’ve tried. 
Please understand, I don’t want
Anything in return. 
I just want you to be happy. 
Please be happy. 
Not for me. 
For you. 

Negativity is all Sensitivity

My brother always tells me to be less sensitive. “Katie, be less sensitive. Katie, why are you crying? Katie, Katie, Katie.” You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. You don’t understand. You will never understand why I cry every time I talk to you and I know you won’t understand because I’ve tried to tell you before! I was SO FUCKING PROUD cause I made $5000 in one month and I told my brother and he said, “So what? I make that in three days.” FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! All I ever want, all I crave ever is the approval of my brother, but I will never get it cause you undermine and demean EVERYTHING I do. You compare it always to yourself! FUCK YOU. You aren’t even brave enough to move out of mom and dad’s because you’re too terrified to struggle. You only make that money because dad bought you your success! SO SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU. I opened my own business you little shit, I got employed, I moved out and found a house that I pay rent for and YES I FUCKING STRUGGLE SOMETIMES but you are too fucking spineless even for that! You aren’t a success story. You are a spineless coward that treats random girls with more courtesy than your kin and I USED TO LOOK UP TO YOU SO MUCH. I used to wanna be just just like BIG BROTHER JAMESY. NOT ANYMORE. Go work yourself to death and don’t even look or come near me with your negativity because you are not worth my time! You don’t even deserve to be around me. You and I are grown up now. And you wonder why I don’t hang out with you when I visit Mom. I can’t believe that you really wonder. You may be a coward, you may be an asshole, but you aren’t dumb. Don’t wonder. Don’t wonder why I don’t wanna spend time with you. I try so so hard. I try to be nice to you. Don’t you dare wonder why I cry. Don’t you dare wonder why I don’t spend time with you. Stay out of my way and stop trying to bring me down because I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL. And I’ll do it on my own. 

troubled you

You’re a troubled soul.
I get that, too. 
Everyone thinks they know
How to understand you.
They all know
The paths to take
To take your image, remake,
Redefine, make mistakes,
Ruin, crumble, and 
Destroy you.
Yes, I know, 
I get that, too.
I know exactly 
What these people 
Are doing to you. 

But I don’t know 
A goddamned thing 
About you. 
So I’m not going 
To try and fix you.
You’re more complex 
Than my mind can fathom, 
I assume. 
So you I’ll let YOU
Find the paths correct to fix you. 
Cause if you want my advice,
It’ll be here for you. 
But if it happens to end
That YOU ruined you,
And people are mourning,
I should’ve said something! 
And you know they will, too, 
I’m going to say, 
There was no right way to fix you.
There was no right way to help you.

And then I’ll go home. 
Cause I’m mourning, too. 
A bottle of jack on the windowsill
Reserved just for you. 
And every shot I take 
Will be a shot for you.
And my thoughts will swim.
They’ll get confused. 
Vision blurring as I wonder
Would my advice even matter
When I’m so troubled, too?